What's Left Of Me
by greymind
Summary: This is a Bang fic. Chapter 2 takes place after eppy 3.09 Cristina thinks about the choices she and Burke have made. Check out bangsanatomydotcom for the latest on Bang, SO and IW. Thanks for reading.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: Seattle Grace **

Returning to Preston's room, Jane Burke feels her body tense up at the sight of his girlfriend turning the corner. Under different circumstances she could like even respect the girl able to maintain a polite exterior under a barrage of criticism from her boyfriend's mother while her wild spirit threatened to break free. Several people have remarked about her loyalty to her friends, to her superiors, to Preston. Jane knows that the person not willing to sacrifice friends to forward personal ambitions is someone with worthwhile character. She isn't blind to how much Cristina loves her son and the eyes full of fire, passion, sadness and fear. It is the fear that concerns Jane the most. That the pain in Cristina's eyes at seeing Preston suffer is not enough to give her the strength to take care of him. Preston deserves the best and that is not Cristina no matter how many times Preston tells her how much he loves Cristina, how happy she makes him. Jane recalls the day Preston stunned her with his confession that Cristina filled a void for him that surgery, other women never did. She's the first girl in years that he's talked about without being asked, that he's wanted to talk about and to Jane's surprise she did not want to hear about her. With the other girls she pressed him for information and he clammed up but this one he talked about every call. Telling her how happy they were, how proud he was of her, and most surprising how he looked forward to bringing her to Alabama for a visit. It was crazy but Jane didn't want to hear any of it. Even now, Preston is convinced that she will love Cristina but Jane is not. Maybe she'll never be. Didn't he realize he'd made it impossible for his mamma to love the girl who captured her little boy's heart.?

Seeing Burke's mother Cristina's mind instinctively searches for a way to escape unseen. Mrs. Burke has gone out of her way to make it clear that Cristina is an unwelcome addition to her family. After a week of awkward conversations and arguments, she is beginning to accept that there's nothing she can do right in the eyes of Mrs. Burke and that means she can't do anything right in Burke's eyes either. For the time being, she's decided to wait it out. In a week, the Burke's will be gone and she and her boyfriend will have plenty of time together.

"Cristina," Jane Burke's voice is aloofas she prepares to go another round with the girl she's determined never to call her daughter-in-law.

"Mrs. Burke," Cristina forces half of a smile.

"You seem tense. You didn't upset Preston did you? The stress isn't good for him right now." In spite of her words, Jane doesn't believe that Cristina isn't purposely upsetting her son but knows exactly how much such an implication upsets Cristina. Even Jane Burke can't deny that Preston is different now. That he seems happier when he calls, calmer, less high strung. On the phone she can hear his love for Cristina each time he says her name. When he speaks about her he's different. His passion for her seems to be matched only by his passion for surgery. Jane Burke never thought she'd see the day.

"No. Everything's fine. It's been a long day, goodnight." Cristina walks past Mrs. Burke tired after another fight with her boyfriend about his mother not liking her. She would not dare give Mrs. Burke the satisfaction of telling her the truth. Thanks to her own mother's nonsense, she knows how to handle his. As far as Cristina is concerned, mothers are nothing more than necessary evils. Burke loves her, she's sure of it so she just needs to be patient.

"He needs someone who can take care of him." Her words stop Cristina in her tracks. It's been hard seeing her son so discouraged and Jane believes that he needs someone strong, supportive to take care of him. Someone like her. More than anything, she wants to be the person who is there for him even if it means building a wall between he and Cristina. Like most moms she needs him to need her. The center of her life for so many years, she misses him.

Cristina is equally determined refusing to move any closer to Mrs. Burke, "Did it ever occur to you that you might be wrong?"

"Preston needs someone to take care of him. You're not that person. From what I see you can barely take care of yourself." Looking at Cristina, Jane sees a mirror of herself. Strong willed, spitfire, ambitious. She knows all too well what that person is like, what that person is capable of. It's the kind of woman she's prayed he'd never fall for.

Cristina pauses, carefully contemplating her reaction, "You're right."

"Finally, we agree on something. You are smart after all." Jane never doubted her ability to break Cristina's spirit. It was just a matter of time.

"You're right. I'm not willing to take care of Preston." This conversation her voice is different. Steady and confident like she's presenting a case not debating her value as a girlfriend.

"Better to be honest now before it's too late." There is a part of her that is sad for her son but this is for the best. He doesn't need a girl that breaks your heart just when you think she's here to stay. That's who Cristina Yang is. That's who Jane Burke was until she met her husband. He changed her, she changed him.

"I agree. I should have been honest sooner." It is true. She's not willing to take care of him. She's willing to do many things for him including risking her reputation by stripping in his hospital room but she's not willing to take care of him. Not now.

"It's too late now. You can end things in the morning."

Cristina laughs, "I'm not ending anything."

"What?" Jane is stunned believing that she and Cristina had an understanding.

"Your son doesn't need anyone to take care of him. He can take care of himself. He needs someone to love him. I can do that. I am doing that. Good night Mrs. Burke." The words roll off of Cristina's tongue as naturally as if she says them everyday and she walks away without waiting for a response. There is no need to argue, no need to get upset. She loves Burke and he loves her. She's comfortable with him, with them and isn't ready to sacrifice that. A few months ago maybe she would've but not now. Now she's not going anywhere because her fear of life without him is greater than her fear of not being good enough. For the first time in her life, Cristina Yang is the one believing in the power of love.

Watching Cristina walk away Jane grins at her stubbornness knowing that if she wasn't dating her son she would love getting to know this young woman.


	2. Chapter 2

Cristina is sitting on the couch staring at her first mistake. She never should've taken that key. Sipping her coffee she pulls the mug away from her lips looking with disgust at the brown liquid. She never should've taken the coffee either.

Not a person to make mistakes she doesn't understand how she seemed to be making so many. Instead of being involved in the Denny LVAD debacle she should have been with Burke or asking Bailey for help. Then came the brilliant idea to leave when he got shot and needed her more than he ever had. She was so freaked out she didn't know what to do and there was so much going on but she was wrong. She should've just stayed in that room with Burke and sat with him like a truly supportive girlfriend would have. Still unconvinced whether Burke had or ever would forgive her, Cristina had never forgiven herself that she was so concerned with not being able to answer his question that she put him second that day. She tried to fix it by supporting him during his rehab. She went too far by encouraging him to hide the tremors. She didn't realize he still had them until she witnessed it in the morgue. His words sent an ache through her heart. She had never seen him so panicked and hated herself for being blind to what had been going on. Hearing the man she loved so deeply tell her that he would basically be nothing without his hands was too much for her to bear. She understood Burke's fear of not being the best and that if he was not the best everything else in his life would be meaningless or disappear. They could work together to fix it until he got better. That was something that she could do to help him, and, she desperately wanted to help him be the Preston Burke he wanted to be. She was determined to put him first that time. It wasn't supposed to last this long. She didn't think so many people would be hurt by their deception.

It's true that she pushed him with all of her talk about physical therapy and getting back to the OR. She assumed that he knew she focused on getting him back to work because she thought it was what he wanted. They were a team and it was their goal not her goal. She never considered that not returning to work was an option for him. He never told her that but thinking back there were several things he didn't say. It still stung that McDreamy knew about Burke's leave of absence before she did. If he had just explained, if there was something else he wanted to do she would have supported that. What she wouldn't support was self-pity or lounging on the couch all day. If assisting him in surgery helped him deal with things without the depressive spiral she could take that risk. If that was what it took for him to stop feeling sorry for himself, Cristina was willing to do that.

She didn't want to believe that he doubted her but he did. When Burke revealed that Cristina only wanted him because of his prestige as a surgeon she felt as if he punched her in the stomach. It shouldn't have surprised her. How was he supposed to trust that his runaway girlfriend would not be that person? She was raised understanding that her greatest value to those around her was linked to whatever skills she brought to the table and that was what she learned to value in other people. People who failed to perform, failed to contribute quickly lost their value as well as their importance in one's life. She was pushed to be the best at any price, aligning herself with those similar to herself and that was how she lived her life until Seattle Grace. In Seattle, she is friends with a lingerie model, a local who barely made it into the program, a chauvinist wrestler from Iowa and her best friend is her top competition. She should not be friends with any of these people, definitely, not her top competition. If she met them in California, she wouldn't even have had any respect for them, but in Seattle she's willing to make sacrifices and allowances for them. Her attraction to Burke, the renowned cardio-thoracic surgeon, is the only relationship that makes sense yet the fact that he is a surgeon doesn't even make the list of reasons why she is in love with him.

Lost is the only way to describe how she is feeling tonight. She's used to knowing where he is and she's not sure what to do now that she doesn't. The pressure at the hospital was tremendous but she loved working side by side as his intern each day. It was one of the few things that she enjoyed about their secret. Spending that time with him, knowing that he had confidence in her, showing him that she was committed to their relationship. Still things were missing. Burke wasn't Burke. He didn't have to be Preston Burke but she did need him to be Burke. She missed her friends too but she was okay because she had him. They had each other, they were a team. Things have changed again. Now the Chief knows and Burke says they're not a team. Not a person who scares easily, Cristina is terrified about what the future holds. She told Burke she was afraid when she scrubbed into surgery and he assumed that it was because of the risk to her career. She was worried about her career but more concerned that any mistake she made in surgery would cost him his career and reputation. Cristina was afraid that she would fail at protecting him and in the end that turned out to be true. Tonight, she is living with an even greater fear that she is about to lose the life that they have built together. There is no surgery or medicine to fix that.

She has mastered the art of self-protection and its skills of not letting people in, not revealing too much, not losing focus, not losing sight of the goal and, most importantly, not losing the advantage. Cristina Yang took tremendous pride in being the best, taking no prisoners, relying on only herself and she was happy or so she thought. Somehow she had done an awful job of protecting herself against Burke. If anyone asked she blamed it on the hormones from the baby but really she had no idea what it was about him that melted her. He had this knack for keeping her off balance. Sure, he was this amazing surgeon that she admired but what she really admired was that he stood up for Meredith. Stood up for what was right. That single, honorable act intrigued her and prompted her to cross the line that first time with him. She had grown to trust that he would not intentionally hurt her and he hadn't until today when his words roughly pushed her away. She had put the fear that he would walk away in the back of her mind keeping her 'I love you' to herself until the moment he needed something she couldn't give him. Those three words are the last thing of herself she would be able to give him. After that there would be nothing else. Today she realized that she may have held onto her 'I love you' a little too long. Another mistake. Things between them had changed so much since that night in the on-call room when he dumped her. She is terrified of hearing those words from him a second time. She will leave before she listens to him speak those words again.

She feels empty acknowledging that this time their love may not be enough. Since the shooting, nothing she's tried has worked which leaves only one thing left to do. Run. She had spent her life doing it and it is the one thing that has never failed her. The only difference is that those other times she was never attached to anyone or anything, never truly felt at home, never relied on anyone to always be there for her. It doesn't matter. If she tries, starting over is something that she _can_ do. She doesn't have a choice because working with Burke is not an option. She will not put on a show for the hospital like Meredith after her McDreamy breakup. She'll be proactive and speak with the Chief about transferring to another program. It will put her behind but since Seattle Grace's program is among the nation's best if she works hard enough she might not lose much time. There are plenty of excellent hospitals on the east coast and not too much sun. She hated the winters at Smith and does not have fond memories of her first attempts to maneuver her motorcycle in the snow. Seattle Grace had been her only selection, and, she was so sure of her acceptance that there was no need for a backup plan. It was the perfect choice with everything she wanted. Cristina sighs thinking how it had everything she needed too. There's no doubt that she can transfer out of Seattle Grace but she's not so sure she can leave Seattle Grace behind.


End file.
